Iḥyāʾ ʿUlūm al-Dīn: That which the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) sought refuge from with Allah must never be neglected. One of the righteous servants would marry frequently; indeed, he would never be without two or three wives at his side. One of the Sufis objected to this situation. In response, that righteous man asked: ‘O Sufi! Is there anyone among you who, in any matter, sits in the spiritual presence of Allah and saves his qalb (the heart) from the danger of lust?’ The Sufi replied, ‘This happens to us often.’ The righteous man continued: ‘If I had ever been content, even once in my life, with what happens to you, I would not have married. But when what preoccupies me comes to my qalb, I dispel it.
Thus, I attain success and continue with my state and my work. For forty years, nothing evil has entered my qalb.’ One of the common people was harshly criticizing the state of the Sufis. A devout person asked him what aspect of the Sufis he was attacking and which of their states he was criticizing. He replied: ‘They eat a lot.’ ‘If you get hungry as they do, you would eat a lot too.’ ‘They marry a lot.’ ‘If you, like them, protected your eyes from the unlawful and your private parts from fornication, you would surely marry as much as they do.’ Junayd al-Baghdādī used to say: ‘Just as I need to eat and drink, I also need sexual relations.’
Thus, a wife is a means both for sustenance and for the purification of the qalb. For this reason, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “If one of you sees a woman and is attracted to her, let him go to his wife and have intercourse with her, for that will repel what he feels.” Jābir (may Allah be pleased with him) narrates from the Messenger of Allah: (27) Ahmad
Kitāb Ādāb al-Nikāḥ, Chapter I: The Messenger of Allah saw a woman, so he immediately entered the room of our mother Zaynab, satisfied his desire, and then came out. He said: “A woman approaches in the image of Satan. So if any of you sees a woman and is attracted to her, let him go to his wife and have intercourse with her, for she has what the other has.” “Do not enter the houses of women whose husbands are absent.”
For Satan circulates within you as blood circulates in your veins. When we asked, ‘Does he circulate within you as well?’ the Prophet replied, ‘Yes, but Allah the Exalted helps me against him, so I am safe from his evil.’ Sufyān b. ʿUyaynah says: The phrase ‘aslamu’ in the hadith means ‘I am safe from his evil.’ It does not mean that Satan has become a Muslim, for Satan cannot become a Muslim. Ibn ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with him), one of the ascetic and learned among the Companions, would break his fast by having intercourse before eating and then perform ghusl and pray. He did all this so that his qalb would be free for worship and he would be saved from the whisperings of Satan.
It is reported that during Ramadan, before the night prayer, he would have intercourse with three of his slave women. Ibn ʿUmar said: ‘The best of this ummah is the one who marries the most.’ (Muslim and Tirmidhī, 29) Tirmidhī
Iḥyāʾ ʿUlūm al-Dīn: Since lust is a dominant trait in the temperament of the Arabs, the righteous among this people marry more than the righteous of other nations. Out of fear of fornication and to empty the qalb from temptation, even marriage to a slave woman has been made permissible. Yet in such a marriage, the child becomes enslaved. Enslavement is, in a sense, a kind of destruction for the child. However, such an act is forbidden for one who is able to marry a free woman. Nevertheless, even so, the enslavement of a child is far less grave than the loss of religion. By doing so, the child’s life may be difficult for a time, but by committing fornication, even a single day’s act can cause one to lose the long, precious life of the Hereafter.
It is narrated that one day, everyone left the assembly of Ibn ʿAbbās, except for a young man. Ibn ʿAbbās asked him what he needed. ‘I stayed to ask you a question, but I was embarrassed in front of the congregation. Now, I am embarrassed before you.’ ‘A scholar is like a father to a person. So tell me whatever you would tell your father.’ ‘I am a young man who has not married. I often fear falling into fornication. Because of this, I frequently practice istimnāʾ (masturbation) with my hand. Is there any sin in what I do?’ Upon this question, Ibn ʿAbbās turned his face away, sighed, and finally said: ‘To marry a slave woman is better than to practice istimnāʾ with the hand, and to practice istimnāʾ with the hand is better than committing fornication.’
Ibn ʿAbbās’s ruling indicates that a single, lustful person is caught between three fires. The least harmful is to marry a slave woman, though this entails the enslavement of the child. More severe is to practice istimnāʾ with the hand. The most harmful and greatest of these is fornication. Ibn ʿAbbās did not say that any of these are absolutely permissible, for both marrying a slave woman and practicing istimnāʾ are problematic. However, to avoid the greater harm of fornication, one may resort to them. Just as when there is fear of the nafs (the lower self) perishing from hunger, eating carrion is permitted—
Kitāb Ādāb al-Nikāḥ, Chapter I
—so too, choosing the lesser of two evils does not mean it is absolutely permissible, nor does it mean it is necessarily good. Amputating a gangrenous hand is not a good thing, but when death is at stake, it is permitted (and sometimes even obligatory). In this situation, there is a virtue in marriage, but this cannot be generalized to all people. Perhaps it applies to most people. There are many whose lust is diminished due to old age, illness, or other causes. For them, the incentive to marry disappears, except for the previously mentioned matter of offspring.
For, except for the very rare person who lacks sexual organs, this command is for everyone. There are some temperaments in which lust is so strong that one woman cannot suffice. For such a person, it is recommended to marry more than one, up to four. (But justice among the wives is fundamental in this matter.) If Allah the Exalted grants him love and his qalb is content with them, so be it. Otherwise, it is recommended for him to divorce and marry others. ʿAlī (may Allah be pleased with him) married seven days after Fāṭima. It is said that Ḥasan was a man who married very often, even more than two hundred women, according to some reports.
He would contract marriage with four women at once, often divorce all four, and marry others. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to Ḥasan: ‘You resemble me in creation and character.’ (30) Tirmidhī
Iḥyāʾ ʿUlūm al-Dīn: Ḥasan is from me, and Ḥusayn is from ʿAlī. It is said that Ḥasan’s frequent marriages were a sign of his resemblance to the noble Prophet. Mughirah b. Shuʿbah married eighty women. Among the noble Companions, there were many who had three or four wives. Those with two wives were countless. When the reason for marriage is clear, the remedy should be given in proportion to the ailment. The purpose of marriage is to calm the nafs. Thus, one should consider this in terms of quantity. III. Benefit: To bring tranquility to the qalb and encourage worship by playing, gazing, and sitting with one’s wife, thus bringing comfort to the nafs. For the nafs quickly tires and flees from the truth.
For engaging with the truth is contrary to its nature. If it is forced to persist in something contrary to its nature, it immediately raises the banner of rebellion. But when it finds comfort in pleasures, it becomes lively and cheerful. There is such relief in playing and being intimate with women that it makes one forget all sorrow and distress. It brings tranquility to the qalb. It is essential for the God-conscious and sincere Muslims to bring their qalbs to tranquility and rest with permissible things. For this reason and wisdom, Allah the Exalted says: ‘That he might find tranquility in her…’ (al-Aʿrāf 7:189). ʿAlī said: ‘Give the qalbs rest, even if only for an hour.
For when qalbs are forced, they become blind.’ In a hadith it is said: ‘The intelligent person should have three times: a time to be alone with his Lord and supplicate to Him; a time to take account of his nafs; and a time to eat, drink, and enjoy intimacy with his wife. This hour of rest helps with worship in the other hours.’ (31) Ahmad
Kitāb Ādāb al-Nikāḥ, Chapter I
In another wording: ‘The intelligent person acts only for three things: to prepare provision for the Hereafter, to strive for his worldly livelihood, and to seek a permissible pleasure.’
Every worker experiences fatigue and exhaustion, and every exhaustion requires relaxation and rest. Whoever arranges his rest to follow my sunnah is rightly guided. The word ‘shirrat’ in the hadith means to work with intensity and become exhausted; this kind of work is only at the beginning of willpower. The word ‘fatrah’ means to pause and rest. Abū al-Dardāʾ used to say: ‘I amuse my nafs with some diversions so that I may later cling to the truth with greater strength.’ The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: (32) Ibn Ḥibbān, (33) Ahmad and Ṭabarānī
Iḥyāʾ ʿUlūm al-Dīn: I complained to Jibrīl that I became exhausted from frequent sexual intercourse. He encouraged me to eat harīsa. If this hadith is authentic, this guidance is nothing but a preparation for rest (i.e., making and eating this food gives the Prophet time to rest). It is not possible that Jibrīl recommended this food to reduce lust, for harīsa increases, not decreases, desire. Whoever is deprived of lust is also deprived of such intimacy and affection. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: ‘Three things of your world have been made beloved to me: good fragrance, women, and the coolness of my eyes in prayer.’
Those who tire and test their nafs with thoughts, dhikr (remembrance of God), and other actions cannot deny this third benefit. This third benefit is distinct from the other two. It is a benefit that cannot be denied even for one who lacks sexual organs and desire. However, this benefit gives marriage a virtue only in relation to this intention. Yet, very few marry with this intention. Many people marry for children, to quell desire, or similar reasons. There are also some who amuse themselves by looking at flowing water, greenery, and the like, and do not need to converse or play with women for the rest of their nafs.
Thus, the matter of providing rest for the nafs varies from person to person and must be carefully observed. IV. Benefit: By marrying, a person is also freed from preparing the affairs of the house—cooking, sweeping, laying out, washing dishes, and other needs. Even if a person has no sexual desire, it is difficult to live alone in a house. If he does all the housework himself, most of his time is wasted, and he cannot find the opportunity for knowledge and action. Therefore, a righteous and capable wife is a helper to her husband in this way. The mixture of these reasons paralyzes life and also motivates the qalb. For this reason, Abū Sulaymān al-Dārānī said: ‘A righteous wife is not of this world, for she gives you complete freedom to work for the Hereafter.’ The fact that a righteous wife frees you for the work of the Hereafter means she takes care of the house and saves you from the rebellion of lust. Muḥammad b. Kaʿb al-Qurazī said: The meaning of the verse, ‘Our Lord, give us good in this world…’ (al-Baqara 2:201) is ‘Grant me a righteous woman.’
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: ‘Each of you should strive for a grateful qalb, a tongue engaged in dhikr, and a righteous wife who helps him on the path to the Hereafter.’ Notice how the Prophet equated a righteous woman with dhikr and shukr (gratitude). The verse, ‘We will surely cause him to live a good life…’ (al-Naḥl 16:97) is interpreted in some tafsir (Qur’anic exegesis) works as referring to a righteous wife. ʿUmar (may Allah be pleased with him) said: ‘After iman (faith) in Allah, no greater blessing has been given to mankind than a righteous woman. Some women are priceless and irreplaceable, while others are an unbreakable shackle.’
Iḥyāʾ ʿUlūm al-Dīn: I surpassed Adam in two traits: a) His wife assisted him in sin, while my wives assist me in obedience and worship; b) His Satan was a disbeliever, while my Satan is a Muslim and only commands good. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) counted the help of his wives in obedience and worship as a virtue. This fourth benefit is also sought by the righteous. However, this benefit is specific to those who lack helpers and must do the housework themselves. This benefit does not call one to take two wives; on the contrary, marrying more than one often makes life bitter and causes confusion in household affairs.
Desiring to have more relatives through one’s wife’s family and to gain strength from the union of two families is also included in this fourth benefit. For in repelling evils and attaining safety, one needs supporters. For this reason, it is said: ‘He who has no helper is humiliated; he who has friends to ward off evils is safe. Such a person’s qalb is free from doubts in all acts of worship, for humiliation disturbs the qalb, while being honored by many supporters removes humiliation.’ V. Benefit: To struggle with the nafs, to observe and control its actions. One must fulfill the rights of family members, respond well to their unpleasant traits, show patience, and endure. One must work by lawful means for them and strive with all one’s strength for the upbringing of the children. All these deeds are of great virtue, for doing them is a form of leadership. The family is his flock. Just leadership is of great virtue. Those who avoid leadership do so only out of fear that they cannot fulfill its rights. Otherwise, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: (37) Khaṭīb, Tārīkh. Among the narrators of the hadith is Muḥammad b. Walīd b. Abān. According to Ibn ʿAdī, this person fabricated hadith. There is a similar narration in Muslim, but instead of ‘Muslim,’ the word ‘aslamū’ is used.
Kitāb Ādāb al-Nikāḥ, Chapter I
‘A just governor’s single day is better than seventy (or ninety) years of worship.’ (38) Ṭabarānī
‘Know that each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.’ (39) Bayhaqī
One who is occupied with reforming both himself and others is certainly not the same as one who is only concerned with reforming himself. The former is far superior to the latter. One who is patient with hardships is certainly superior to one who only seeks comfort for his nafs. Thus, enduring the hardships of family members is like striving in the path of Allah. For this reason, Bishr al-Ḥāfī said: ‘Imām Aḥmad b. Ḥanbal surpasses me in three things: He seeks lawful sustenance both for himself and for his family.’
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
‘Whatever a person spends on his family is charity for him. Indeed, he is rewarded even for every morsel he feeds his wife.’ (40) Bukhārī and Muslim
Someone said to a scholar: ‘I have received a share from Allah in every deed,’ and then mentioned ḥajj, jihād, and other acts of worship. The scholar said to him:
– What do you do of the deeds of the abdāl (substitutes)?
– What is the deed of the abdāl?
– Earning lawfully and spending in charity.
(38) Ṭabarānī
(39) Bayhaqī
(40) Bukhārī and Muslim