Ihya-i Ulum id-Din
Ibn al-Mubarak, who was in a battle with his companions, said:
– Do you know of any jihad that is superior to the one we are doing now?
– Then tell us what it is.
– A person who is chaste and has children, who gets up at night to look after his children, sees that the sleeping children have their covers open, and covers them with his clothes. Indeed, the deeds of such a person are more meritorious and more excellent than the deeds we are doing now.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
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Whoever has a good prayer, many children, and little wealth, and does not backbite Muslims, he will be like these two in Paradise with me. (He brought his two fingers together to indicate this).41
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A pious poor person who has children is beloved by Allah the Almighty.42
When the sins of a servant increase, Allah the Almighty makes him suffer the hardships of his family in order to forgive his sins. He atones for his sins.43
One of the Successors said: ‘There are some sins for which the sorrow of having children is atonement.’ There is a saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him) regarding this:
41) Abu Ya‘la
42) Ibn Mâjâ
43) Ahmad
Kitabu Âdâb’in-Nikâh/I. Bölüm
There are some sins for which only the hardship of earning a livelihood can be atonement. ^Jı ü & ü;]İ İL iiı ^Ju’ JL y’ı jJ-ij ^ jiu ^ış Iöc iı 3ı? <> ,İJ x^ JL, dİ Ml â Whoever has three daughters and Allah the Almighty provides for them until they become self-sufficient, and he gives them maintenance, then, except for an unforgivable sin, Allah will surely forgive him. When Ibn Abbas mentioned this hadith, he said: ‘I swear by Allah that this hadith is among the most excellent and most noble of hadiths.’ It is reported that an ascetic took good care of his wife until her death.
When he was offered marriage after her death, he avoided it and said: ‘Aloneness is more beneficial for the rest of my heart and for settling my scattered troubles.’ Then he continued: ‘I saw my wife in a dream a week after her death. It seemed as if the gates of the heavens were opened. It seemed as if some people descended from the heavens and walked one after another in the air. Each one who descended looked at me and said to the one following him: ‘This is the unfortunate man!’ The one behind him confirmed it. The third one said the same, and the fourth confirmed him. I was frightened and afraid to ask. I waited, and finally the last one passed by me. The last one was a young man.
I asked him: ‘Who is this unfortunate man you pointed out?’ – ‘You are.’ – ‘Why am I unfortunate?’ Taberânî 45) Harâitî
Ihya-i Ulûm’id-Din – We used to raise your deeds in the presence of Allah, along with the deeds of those who fought in His cause. However, we have been ordered to raise the deeds of those who have remained behind for a week. We certainly do not know what you have done. After narrating this to his companion, he added: ‘Marry me, marry me!’ After this incident, he never had fewer than two or three wives. It is reported in the news of the Prophets: A people visited Hz. Yunus as guests. While entering and exiting his home to serve the guests, his wife tormented him with her tongue, and he preferred to remain silent. The guests were amazed at this situation.
Hazrat Yunus (a.s) said: ‘O guests, do not be surprised at this situation! Because I supplicated to Allah: ‘O Lord! Give me my punishment in this world rather than in the Hereafter.’ Then a voice from Allah the Almighty came: ‘The daughter of Fulan is your punishment in this world. Go and marry her.’ So I married her. I endure these torments for you.’ Enduring such torments is a way of training the soul, suppressing anger, and beautifying one’s character. Because, the hidden impurities of the soul do not remain hidden when one sits with a person who is in control of their soul and has good manners. Hidden flaws do not remain concealed. In this regard, it is necessary to test the soul of the Hereafter traveler with such provocative actions and to teach them patience against these tests, so that they may become a person with a normal character and have trained their soul.
The inner world should be purified from bad manners. Enduring the troubles of children is both the training of the soul and a form of jihad, and it is actually an act of worship. This situation is also among the benefits of marriage. However, only two classes of people can benefit from this: a) A person who, because the journey of the Hereafter has just begun, wants to struggle against the bad aspects of the soul and purify their bad habits. For such a person, seeing this kind of action as a path to salvation and training the soul in this way is a normal action. b) A person who is among those who worship, has no false actions, has no ugliness in their thoughts or hearts, and only performs acts of worship such as prayer, pilgrimage, and other acts of worship.
Kitabu Âdâb’in-Nikâh/L Bölüm
For such a person, earning a lawful income for the sake of their children and dealing with their upbringing is superior to acts of worship that benefit only oneself and not others. For a person who has a natural ability and is morally pure by nature, it is not appropriate for them to marry for the purpose mentioned above. Because the spiritual training they gain from marriage is sufficient. Regarding the act of earning a lawful income for the sake of children; acquiring knowledge is superior to this. Because knowledge is both the cause of action and more beneficial.
Working for the sake of the children’s livelihood comes before this. Because knowledge is beneficial to everyone, that is, its benefit is general. Thus, the benefits of marriage in religion are as we have mentioned. Because of these benefits, it is decreed that marriage is virtuous. The Evils of Marriage The evils of marriage are three: I. The first evil is being unable to obtain lawful sustenance, which is the greatest of the evils. Obtaining lawful sustenance is not an easy task for everyone. Especially in these times when earning is difficult… Thus, marriage will be a cause for more striving for sustenance and may even force a person to eat haram food. Eating haram food is a cause of destruction for both the one who eats and the one who feeds.
A person who has not married is far from this danger. As for a married person, they are often forced to go to bad places and thus become accustomed to their wife’s desires. Consequently, they sell their Hereafter for their worldly life. ^ÇâBj aiİJIp ^l^j ^j^ J^**? J,l?>l! Jü»l oL-^>J’ ^y aJj ölj^Jl jup cüjJ juiJl öl ı^^ ^* î!^’ J^” ûÇIlluJl û4*ı ıjj*5~>{ ^^^ ûiil f^,3 4~~Tl ^1 ^j» «JL* jj^J (H! • DLâpG ^jJI (ö^j^J Li4l ^j a^ü**^*
Ihya-i Ulûm’id-Din The scales of deeds (the balance that weighs deeds) are placed beside the person. However, there are mountains of good deeds. They are asked about how they watched over their family members, how they fulfilled their rights and duties, where they obtained their wealth and where they spent it. They are asked in such a way that all the good deeds and actions they did in this world are taken away from them as a counterpart. Not even a single good deed remains in their hands. In this situation, the angels call out: This is the person whose children in this world have consumed their good deeds. Today, their deeds and good actions have left their hands as a result of their mistakes. It is said that on the Day of Judgment, the first thing to cling to a person’s back are their family and children.
They stop the person in the lofty court of Allah the Almighty and say: ‘O our Lord! Take our rights from this man! He did not teach us what we did not know. He fed us haram food despite not knowing it.’ Then, retribution is taken from the person. One of the Successors said: ‘When Allah the Almighty intends to send evil to a servant, He sends his destroyers (children) upon him in this world.’ The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: ,4İ»ı iJi^- ^ ıJiti b-i iuı ^îlSi No one can come before Allah the Almighty with a greater sin than neglecting their children’s ignorance. Up to this point, the evils we have mentioned are the general evils of marriage. Very few people are saved from these evils.
However, if a person has inherited wealth from their father or earns enough lawful wealth to support themselves and their children, then it is different… Such a person, if they are also content, can be saved from the evils we mentioned above. If a person earns through permissible means such as carpentry or hunting, or if they are a craftsman and work in a field not related to the sultans, and work with people who are righteous, honest, and have mostly lawful wealth, such a person can protect themselves from the dangers mentioned above. When asked about marriage by Ibn Sâlim, he said: ‘In this time, for those who have become addicted to their desires and cannot restrain their souls, marriage is better than not marrying. However, for those who are in control of their souls, it is more beneficial not to marry.’ II. The second evil is not fully respecting the rights of the wife (and children) and not showing patience towards them or not enduring their complaints.
This calamity is generally lighter than the first calamity. Because it is easier to endure this calamity than the first one. Correcting one’s behavior towards women and fulfilling their desires is easier than earning through lawful means. However, despite this, there is also a danger here, because the person is a shepherd and is responsible for what they have raised. Indeed, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Si 12ı Jf Making those who are responsible for their sustenance distressed is enough of a sin for a person. It is reported that a person who flees from the sustenance of their children is like a slave who flees from their master. This person’s prayer and fasting will not be accepted until they return to their duty.
A person who does not look after the rights of their children is like a person who has fled from their rights. Because Allah the Almighty said: 48) Abu Dawud, Nasâ’î
Ihya-i Ulûm’id-Din O you who have believed! Protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is people and stones. (Tahrim/6) In this verse, Allah the Almighty commands you to protect yourselves as well as your family members from fire, just as you protect yourselves. Sometimes, a person is unable to give their own soul its due. When they marry, the rights become layered upon them. Another soul is added to their own soul. The soul always commands evil. The more it increases, the more it commands evil. Based on this secret, one of the scholars said, expressing regret for not marrying: ‘I cannot even bear the burden of my own soul. How could I bear the burden of another soul added to it?’ Indeed, it is said: The mouse does not fit into its hole. (Nevertheless) a broom is tied to its tail. Ibrahim ibn Edhem also expressed regret for not marrying and said: ‘I do not want to deceive any woman with my own soul, and I have no need for any woman.’ That is, Ibrahim (r.a) meant to say: ‘I am unable to fulfill their rights, keep them chaste, or allow them to taste their normal pleasures.’ Bişr al-Hafî also expressed regret and said: ‘The verse ‘The rights of women are like the rights that must be given to them’ prevents me from marrying.’ He also said: ‘If I take charge of a chicken, I fear becoming a executioner on the bridge.’
Sufyan ibn Uyeyne was seen at the gate of the sultan. When told, ‘This is not a suitable place for you,’ he replied: ‘Have you ever seen a person with children who has become a farmer?’ Sufyan said: ‘Bachelordom with a key and a house pierced by winds is beautiful.’
Kitabu Âdâb’in-Nikâh/I. Bölüm
There is no shouting or crying there… This second drawback of marriage is also general, like the first drawback. A wise, knowledgeable, and morally good person who knows the customs of women, is patient with their lowly behavior, knows where to stand against their desires, is meticulous in fulfilling their rights, overlooks their faults, and governs them with their mind can escape the danger. However, most people are the prey of extravagance, stubbornness, anger, foolishness, bad manners, and injustice. Such a person, when married, becomes even worse. Therefore, for such a person, living alone is a safer path.
III. The third evil This evil is easier to overcome than the first and second evils. This is when the person’s children occupy them so much from Allah that they turn their attention to the world, prepare a good livelihood for their children by acquiring a lot of wealth, and boast and brag about them. This separates mankind from Allah, whether it is their spouse, wealth, or children. I do not intend to target the family and wealth that lead people to haram. Because such a family and wealth are already included in the scope of the first and second evils mentioned earlier. On the contrary, my intention with this ruling is to highlight the evil of the family and wealth that lead people to the world even through permissible things.
Excessiveness in playing and enjoying lawful things is also included in the above ruling. Many distractions arise from marriage and occupy the heart. Thus, the person spends their nights and days playing and cannot lift their head to think about the Hereafter or prepare for it. Based on this secret, Ibrahim ibn Edhem said: ‘Nothing is expected from a person who has inserted themselves into the legs of women.’ Abu Sulayman said: ‘A married person is certainly immersed in the world.’ Thus, up to this point, the evils and benefits of marriage are counted and determined. Therefore, deciding whether marriage or remaining single is better for a person without knowing all these things is a flawed ruling. On the contrary, these benefits and evils should be considered as the cornerstone for making a ruling about any individual. A person who wants to marry should strike this cornerstone against their own soul. If the evils we have determined above are not applicable to them and if they have lawful wealth, good manners, and seriousness in religion, and if they do not distance themselves from Allah by marrying, and if they are a young person who needs to satisfy their desires, a person who needs to manage their household, or a person who needs to gain strength from the relatives of the woman, in short, if they have all these qualities; there is no doubt that marriage is more beneficial for such a person.
However, wanting to have children is also mentioned in marriage. This is a separate virtue. If these qualities are not present and all the evils we have mentioned are present, then not marrying is more beneficial for such a person. If both extremes are fully present – which is the case for most people in our time – then in such a situation, one should weigh the benefits that the virtues of marriage will bring in religion against the harms that the evils will bring. After this evaluation, whichever is better should be done. The most obvious benefit of marriage is adopting children and satisfying desires. The most obvious evil of marriage is the need to earn through haram means and the tendency to distance oneself from Allah.
From this perspective, we say hypothetically that for a person who is not burdened by the torment of desire, who only wants to have children by marrying, and for whom it is not a matter of needing to earn through haram means or distancing oneself from Allah by marrying, not marrying is more beneficial. Because there is no good in what distances mankind from Allah and leads them to haram earnings. These two evils cannot be compensated by having children. Because marrying only for the sake of having children is equivalent to demanding the life of a hypothetical child. Such a desire is a definite deficiency in religion. Therefore, protecting one’s own life and keeping it away from calamity is more important than working for the sake of having a child.
This action is beneficial for them. Religion is the capital of a person. The corruption of the afterlife is mentioned in the context of religion’s corruption. The total loss of capital is also mentioned. The expected benefit from marriage is again the same as the-