FIFTH CHAPTER · THIRD SECTION · Eighth Article
Eighth Article
This article explains the etiquette and protocols of a man conversing and socializing with his wife.
O dear one! It should be known that the people of adab (proper conduct) have said: The etiquette and protocols of a man’s conversation and companionship with his wife are thirty in number: A person should be good-natured and behave kindly towards his wife. He should speak to her with pleasant and sweet words, converse with her gently, and use soft speech. As it has come in the report: “The best of people are those who are best and most beneficial to their families.” [278] When he comes to his wife, he should greet her with salām and inquire after her well-being. If he finds her alone and in a cheerful mood, he should caress her hair and offer her various compliments. If he finds her alone and in a sorrowful state, he should show compassion, inquire after her well-being, and speak sweet words. He should win his wife’s heart with useful and beneficial promises.
For she has been confined to the house for your sake, has lost hope in others, and placed all her hope in you; she is your companion for life. She is your partner in sharing sorrows, your sole source of amusement in jest, and the field through which your lineage continues. You should assist your wife in the upbringing of your children. For children, constantly crying and complaining day and night at their mother’s side, are relentless adversaries who do not allow her a moment’s rest—perhaps even merciless. Therefore, whoever helps his wife in this matter, Allah is his helper. He should clothe his wife in the same quality as he wears himself. He should feed her from what he himself eats. If he is able, he should provide her sustenance generously. A person should consider it his duty to provide his wife with a place to live and her sustenance.
He should never beat his wife nor speak harshly to her because of faults related to worldly matters. For faults related to religious matters, he should not sulk at her for more than one day. He should treat his wife gently and with a smiling face. For she was created from a bent rib. [Her emotional aspect is dominant, and in terms of foresight and discernment] her intellect is deficient, and [due to her inclination towards adornment] her religious sensitivity is lacking. She is, in a sense, made captive in her husband’s presence. However, she has been taken and married on the condition that she is treated with kindness and companionship. If a man sees his wife behaving badly, he should first suspect his own nafs (the lower self). He should say, “If my own nafs were reformed, my wife would also be reformed.”
One of the awliyāʾ (friends of God) was asked why he patiently endured his wife’s bad temper. He replied, “I fear that if someone who cannot endure her harm were to marry her, both would fall into tribulation.” As it is said: “A man who endures his wife’s harm is saved from six things: children being slapped, dishes being broken, calves being beaten, cats being cursed, guests being driven away, and clothes being torn.”
When his wife is angry, he should remain silent, so that the woman may regret her actions and apologize to her husband. For she is weak, and is overcome by silence. As long as his wife’s good character prevails and she fulfills all her duties with a smiling face and beauty, he should pray for her well-being. He should praise and thank Allah. For a righteous (ṣāliḥa) woman who acts appropriately towards her husband is a blessing that cannot be adequately thanked for.
A man should behave towards his wife in such a way that she knows, “My husband has found me more attractive and beloved than all other women.” He should consult his wife on matters of household management and running the home, but not burden her with major affairs. He should be vigilant and cautious against the possibility of his wife betraying him or setting a trap for him. As our ancestor Adam (peace be upon him) sinned against his Lord at the invitation of our mother Hawwa (Eve). He should overlook his wife’s faults that are not sinful. He should turn a blind eye to (her simple) tricks and feign ignorance. He should conceal his wife’s secrets and faults from everyone.
He should live in harmony with his wife and tell her gentle jokes. He should entertain his wife with other amusements—except for dressing as a woman himself. Indeed, the Noble Beloved (the Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him) was the most refined of people in his conduct towards the Mothers of the Believers, his pure wives. Once, when he raced with his wife ʿĀʾisha (may Allah be pleased with her), our mother ʿĀʾisha, being slim and delicate, outran the Prophet. Later, due to the Prophet’s affection, our mother ʿĀʾisha gained weight, eating foods that strengthened her body and became plumper. When they raced again, this time the Prophet outran our mother ʿĀʾisha, and said, “This is because you have become heavier (and your breath is short).” For a man’s playing and joking with his wife is not vain or useless, but is an appropriate act, considered among worship and obedience. He should not seat his wife on balconies or windows overlooking crowds where people come and go, lest she look at non-maḥram (those to whom marriage is not forbidden) and her desire be aroused. He should teach his wife to recite the Qur’an, her basic religious knowledge, and religious etiquette.
He should not dress his wife in ornate and valuable clothes, so that she does not go out to display her adornments, and remains attached to her home.
Bayt (Verse)
Hātūn-i hūb-sūrat u pākīze rūy-rā
Naksh u nigār u khātam-i fīrūze gū ma-bāsh
Translation of the bayt (verse):
When a woman is graceful in form and beautiful in face, let her not have ornaments or a turquoise ring.
He should not set out on a journey, not even for ḥajj (pilgrimage), without his wife’s permission. If his wife is an obedient and righteous (ṣāliḥa) woman, he should not marry another over her, so that he may act justly and not be deprived of good companionship. He should not share every sorrow and grief with his wife. He should not tell her all the details of his debts. He should pray for his wife’s well-being both in her presence and in her absence. For she serves him day and night. She is his baker, cook, tailor, laundress, and the guardian of his property. Along with all these, she is his companion for life, his friend, and his partner in sorrow.