The Etiquette of Marriage
The husband and wife must fulfill the rights stipulated in the Qur’an-i Kerim towards each other in order to attain the rewards and expiations mentioned in the noble hadiths, and to obey the command of Allah. A woman should believe that obedience to her husband is more meritorious than jihad and fighting in the cause of Allah. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.v.) said: “There is nothing more beneficial for a woman than her husband or her grave.” He also said: “A man without a wife is poor.” When asked, “What if that person is actually rich?” the answer given was: “Even if he is rich in wealth, he is still poor.” Similarly, a woman without a husband is also poor. When asked, “What if that woman is rich?” the answer given was: “She is still poor.”
It is a sunnah to conclude the marriage contract on Friday and Thursday. It is better to do it in the evening than in the morning. It is a sunnah for the sermon of marriage to be delivered before the proposal and acceptance. It is permissible to perform te’hir. The person getting married is free to conclude the marriage contract themselves or to appoint someone else as their agent. After the marriage contract is concluded, it is a sunnah for those present to say: “May Allah bless you, may this union be beneficial. We wish you well-being.”
After this, it is a sunnah for the groom to grant a certain period of time for the bride or her family to prepare the dowry and meet their needs, and to assist them. On the night of the wedding and the night of the engagement, one should follow the conditions reported from Abdullah bin Mas’ud (r.a.). When someone comes to him and says: “I have married a girl, but she does not love me and I am afraid of her anger,” he is told: “Love and kindness come from Allah. Anger and hatred come from Satan.” When the wife comes to you, you should command her to pray two rakats behind you, and you should pray: “O Allah, bless our family and bless our family for us. O Allah, make me beloved to them and make them beloved to me. O Allah, bring us together if we are united in good and separate us if we are separated for good.” When the intention of unity is made, one should pray: “By the name of Allah the Almighty, O my Lord, keep me away from Satan and keep Satan away from the things You have provided for me.” After the matter is completed, one should recite internally: “Bismillâhillezi haleka minel mübeseren…”
The original of this noble hadith is reported from Kureyb bin Ibn-i Abbas (r.a.). The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.v.) said: “If one of you intends to approach his wife, and he prays: ‘O my Lord, keep me away from Satan and keep Satan away from the things You have provided for me,’ and by the will of Allah, a child is born from them, Satan will not cause any eternal harm to the child.”
When the signs of pregnancy appear in the wife, the parents should keep the wife’s food, drink, provisions, and needs away from haram and doubtful things, in order to prevent Satan from finding a way to harm the child. For the man, the most valuable path here is to desire to save himself, his wife, and his child from the evil of Satan and the punishment of Hell in the Hereafter, by ensuring that the wife’s food is protected from haram and doubtful things. Indeed, Allah commands in the sixth verse of Surah Tahrim: “Protect yourselves and your children from Hell.” In this way, the child who is born will obey and be attached to his mother and father, and will be good and kind. All of these are the result of the blessings of purity in food and provisions.
After ejaculation, one should retreat and wash away the thing that causes discomfort. If one intends to ejaculate again (according to the Hanbali school of thought), he should take a wudu. If he does not intend to ejaculate again, he should take a ghusl and should not sleep while in a state of janabah, as sleeping in a state of janabah is makruh. Our Prophet (s.a.v.) said so. However, if the weather is cold, or if the bathhouse and water are far away, or if there is another reason such as fear or danger, there is no harm in sleeping in a state of janabah until the end of the excuse.
One should not face the qibla during ejaculation. One should cover his head. Even if a small child is present, one should hide himself from the sight of others. For in a noble hadith it is said: “If one of you approaches his wife and does not cover himself, the angels will be ashamed and leave him, and in that case, Satan will be his companion. If a child is born from this union, that child will be like him.”
In a noble hadith reported from the predecessors: “If a person does not recite the basmalah when he intends to ejaculate, Satan will take the form of that person and ejaculate like him.”
It is mustahabb for a man to play with his wife before the act of intimacy, and to wait until his own task is completed and until his wife’s task is also completed. If this waiting is neglected, it is harmful to the wife, and may even lead to separation. If a man wishes to expel semen during intimacy, and his wife is free, it is not permissible for him to do so without her permission. However, it is permissible to perform azl without her permission in the case of his own slave girl, because in this case the master is the man, not the slave girl.
Our Prophet (peace be upon him) said when someone came and said: «O Messenger of Allah, I have a servant girl, and sometimes I approach her, although I do not wish her to become pregnant.»: «If you wish, perform azl and expel the semen. Because the time for the servant girl’s menstrual cycle will soon come.»
A man should avoid intimacy during his wife’s menstruation and postpartum bleeding, and according to one narration, he should also avoid it until she performs the ghusl after the bleeding stops. It is mustahabb to avoid intimacy during postpartum bleeding for forty days. If a woman cannot find water when her bleeding stops, she should perform teyemmum and then approach. If someone who does not comply with this rule engages in intimacy, according to one narration, he should give one or half a gold coin as charity as expiation. According to another narration, he should seek forgiveness and repent, vowing never to do such things again. Indeed, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: «Whoever approaches his wife from behind is a sinner and far from the mercy of Allah.»
It is not permissible for a man to refrain from intimacy without a valid reason or harm, because the woman also has a right in this matter. There is a hardship for a woman who refrains from intimacy, because women’s desire is greater than men’s. In the noble hadith reported by Abu Hurayra (may Allah be pleased with him): «The desire of women is twenty-nine degrees greater than that of men. However, Allah has bestowed upon women modesty, shame, and the covering of their garments.»
Some say that desire consists of ten parts, nine of which are for women and one for men. It is not permissible for intimacy to be delayed for more than four months. However, if the man has a valid excuse, such as illness, he is exempt. If the delay of intimacy without a valid excuse exceeds four months, then the wife has the right to seek separation from her husband.
If a husband separates from his wife and remains away for more than six months, and if the wife requests him to return, but he refuses despite being able to do so, then the judge may permit the separation of the husband and wife. This period of delay is the time set by the noble Companion, Hazrat Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him), for people to go to war: to depart within one month, stay for four months, and return within one month to be with their families.
If a man sees another man’s wife and finds her pleasing, and desires intimacy very much, he should immediately go to her and engage in intimacy with her in order to settle his desire. Because the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: «If one of you sees a woman who would make him fall in love, he should approach his own wife. Because Satan comes in the form of a woman and shows himself. If a man does not have a wife, he should seek refuge with the honor of Allah, and ask Allah for protection from sins and deliverance. He should seek refuge from the evil of Satan with Allah.»
What occurs between husband and wife during intimacy should not be spoken about by the husband to men or by the wife to women. Because these things are degrading and bad. They are considered shameful, ugly, and improper according to the Sharia and reason. In a long noble hadith reported by Abu Hurayra (r.a.) from our Prophet (s.a.v.), it was stated as follows: After that, the Prophet (s.a.v.) addressed the men and said: “Is there among you anyone who, when he reaches his wife, closes the door of the room, finds himself alone with her, and remains alone and away from people, being covered only by Allah’s covering?” When people answered, “Yes, there is,” the Prophet (s.a.v.) then sat down and said: “Is there among you anyone who, after doing this, says, ‘I did this, I did that,’ and tells his wife about what he did?” At this, everyone remained silent and did not answer yes or no. Then the Prophet (s.a.v.) turned to the women and said: “Is there among you anyone who, after being alone with her husband in a room, later claims that he did something?” When the women remained silent, a young woman from among them knelt on one of her knees, stretched her neck towards the Prophet (s.a.v.) so that he could see and hear her, and began to answer, saying: “O Messenger of Allah, men certainly speak about it, and women also speak about it without hesitation.” At this, the Messenger of Allah (s.a.v.) said: “Do you know what this situation is like? It is like a female jinn being with a male jinn in the marketplace. At that moment, people look at them, stare at them, and try to finish their business. You should return to your senses, wake up from the sleep of heedlessness. Know that the good of men is evident in their appearance but not in their scent. And you women should know that the good of women is evident in their appearance but not in their scent.”
This implies that it is not permissible to narrate what occurs between husband and wife to others.
If a man calls his wife for intimacy and she refuses, avoids, and does not come, he becomes a disbeliever and enters into sin. In the noble hadith reported by Abu Hurayra (r.a.), it was said: “Whichever woman prevents her husband from fulfilling his need, she will be thrown into two measures of sin and punishment. Whichever man prevents his wife from fulfilling her need, he will be thrown into one measure of sin and punishment.” The Prophet (s.a.v.) said in some noble hadiths: “If one of you calls his wife to his bed, she must certainly go, even if she is at the stove.” In the noble hadith reported by Abu Hurayra (r.a.), it was said: “If one of you calls his wife to his bed and she does not come, then if he spends the night angry with her, the angels will strike her until the morning.”
It was reported from Kusayb bin Sa’d (r.a.) as follows: “I went to Hire, and I saw the people of Hire prostrating themselves before their leaders. When I returned and came before the presence of the Prophet (s.a.v.), I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, I have seen people prostrating themselves before others, so be cautious about this.’ The Prophet (s.a.v.) said to me: ‘If you visit my grave and prostrate yourself before me, would you consider this permissible?’ I said: ‘No, O Messenger of Allah, I would not consider it permissible.’ The Prophet (s.a.v.) said: ‘You should never do this in your life and never consider it permissible. If I had ordered anyone to prostrate before another, I would have ordered women to prostrate before their husbands. For Allah has given men certain rights over women.'”
Imam Hakim bin Mu’awiya al-Kushayri reported from his father (r.a.) as follows: “O Messenger of Allah, what is the right of a woman over her husband?” The Prophet (s.a.v.) said: “When you eat, feed her; when you wear clothes, dress her; do not strike her face; do not make her face ugly; and keep her confined within the house.”
If a woman insists on fleeing from her husband and refusing to go to him, or if she is ugly, looks down on him, and is disgusted by his call, her husband should advise her and frighten her with the punishment of Allah. If she continues with her previous improper treatment, he should stop sleeping with her and speaking to her for less than three days. If she gives up her behavior, he should not harm her, break her limbs, or beat her with anything like a cloth. For the purpose is to correct her behavior and make her obey her husband, not to destroy her.
After all these, if there is no good living together, suitability, and agreement between them, the ruler sends two judges who are free, Muslim, and just from the relatives and close ones of both sides. The husband and wife also appoint them as their agents. The judges will settle the matter between the husband and wife, or if they decide that separation with a dowry or another thing is better, then it is necessary for the ruler to issue a ruling regarding the husband and wife based on the judges’ opinion, agreement, unity, and decision.
Velimede Sünnet
The sunnah in velime (wedding feast) is that it should not be less than one sheep. It is permissible to hold velime with whatever is used. If the host of the velime is a Muslim, then it is obligatory to attend the invitation on the first day. Attending on the second day is sunnah, on the third day it is permissible, and perhaps even recommended.
The basis of velime is a narration from Hz. Muhammad (peace be upon him). Hz. Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: «Give a meal for the wedding, even if it is with one sheep.» Hz. Muhammad (peace be upon him) also said: «On the first day, attending the velime is a right, on the second day it is good, and after that it is a disgrace.» Ibn Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that Hz. Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: «If one of you is invited to a wedding feast, you should attend the invitation. If you are not fasting, you should eat; if you are fasting, you should not eat and return.»